Reality Show
by Magyar Prof
Summary: It's pure FUN! Epilogue 'Big Blue Planet The Real Conspiracy' is up! The good humour is the one that makes you laugh for 10 minutes and think for an hour!
1. The Warmup

Based on the funny but really thoughtful idea from South Park (relax, nothing disgusting, scandalous - in a nutshell - nothing South Park like scene involved). Just read and you will find it interesting and I hope entertaining too :P. The idea itself will be revealed in the end...or somewhere around that...one thing is for sure, it won't be reveled in this chapter :P

**Warnings:** mentioning of getting head over heels drunk...oh and my English coz it's just my second language

**Disclaimer:** I'm not a thief although my favorite movies are Ocean's 11 and 12 :D but I ain't that sharp tool (or how that saying goes :P...dunno coz we Hungarians have another way of saying we are pretty much dumb :D)

**------The Warm-up ------  
**Somewhere in the Milkyway on a tiny planet called Earth where thousands of races lived in relative peace something was about to happen.

**Colorado Springs. Jack O'Neill's place.**

_Friday. God, I love Fridays. Simpsons has the weekly re-run so I can catch up with the episodes I haven't seen due to work. But above all SG-1 is on stand down and this means that Friday is team night. Simpsons. Carter. Daniel. Teal'c. Beer. Junk food. Hey, did I mention I **love** Fridays?_ Jack O'Neill - colonel of the United State's Air Force - was thinking to himself while his hands worked in the routine way when he tidied up his place. It was not a very usual routine but after years he got the hang of it. It was a must after all, hell no he want Daniel to stumble through all his precisely thrown around stuff in his alcoholic haze and end up in his lap again immediately falling asleep, what was just the event happened on the last team night. He hoped that this time Carter will finally beat Daniel to his front door and with this earn herself the extra beer because if Daniel will win again he would sat him outside on the grass no matter how rude it sounds. At least there he wouldn't be able to do too much damage.

The doorbell cut him in his trail of thought about putting Daniel into a big balloon this way preventing him from acting like the elephant in the porcelain shop.

Opening up the door – deciding not to let the person standing in front of it know that he, **again**, forgot to lock it by yelling 'it's open' – he was utterly glad to see bright blonde hair at his eyelevel.

"Hail Dorothy, you saved us all from the wicked archeologist of inebriation" he exclaimed seeing the Daniel was just a few steps behind Sam and from the color of her cheeks it was obvious she made some field movement to tackle Daniel to win the race.

"I try to do my best, sir" Sam answered grinning widely when Daniel started to whine like a kid behind her.

"It's not fair. T and I parked sooner than you and still you ran and won. Isn't it called cheating?" The archeologist asked trying desperately to turn the situation and win the extra alcohol although he knew well that he was a cheap date.

"Daniel Jackson, you are acting like a five year old child" Teal'c interjected before Jack could make a remark. They all laughed at Daniel's spacedout expression and then Jack let them in.

"Okay, the HazMat team hasn't been in the kitchen yet, so I advise avoiding that room" the colonel informed everyone.

Daniel sniffed into the air in the living room. "Hey, Jack, I think they forgot the living room too!" he yelled after the colonel who went to get some fizzy to Teal'c.

"Very funny Spacemonkey but it's a special scent called 'shut-up-Danny'!" Jack yelled back.

When Jack came back he handed out the drinks – Sam got her extra beer – and then took the armchair next to Sam facing Teal'c and Daniel. But before sitting down he grabbed the pillow from his soon-to-be sitting place and threw it at Daniel who took the hint and lifted his foot down from the coffee table but just after mumbling. "Not like it is clean or anything."

"Cleaner than your office will ever be, Spacemonkey."

When they all finished off their beers all the while idly chatting about work Jack stood up to collect the empty bottles.

"Jeez, Jack you sure you did not get that illness on PCV-459? You're acting verrrrry strange." Daniel was right. It was not every day Jack cleaned up anything at all during the team nights or after them. Even Teal'c raised an eyebrow at his leader's attitude.

"O'Neill, did you engage in a relationship with a woman who makes you act like a domesticated house husband?"

"Gosh, here I am trying to make a good impression..." Jack grumbled while he tried to balance all of the bottles in his hands so far with success.

"You are soooo late with that, Jackie!" Daniel squealed his face lighting up with a huge smile that really went from one ear to the other which is biologically impossible but trust Daniel to break the rules of good old science. He was always like this when he got sooo drunk.

Jack rolled his eyes and a soft 'd'oh' left his lips while he connected his head with the corridor's wall on his way out to the kitchen. "Damn, Daniel, I told you to **eat **before you come here!"

**TBC...soon**  
**In the following chaps there will be fun, fun and more fun as the night goes on...stay tuned!**

**AN:** I just love when Danny gets drunk because he is a cute-drunk (didn't mean Danny is cute, I meant his drunken state cute...not that violent type a few can turn into be)


	2. Daniel and Showbizz

_Deamon Fire, oy, Star Wars marathon? LOL, just the thought of it sounds pure torture for me...the idea is great...when everyone gets drunk maybe Teal'c will start his evil plot MUHAHAHA...I read so many team night fics with Truth or Dare that it gives me the creeps :D...I'm not a cliché type of person (btw, I gotta write about clichés in fiction world LOL)  
__Thanks so muchfor the review!_

_And thanks for all the folks who just read the fic at least I hope ya had fun...you should have if you read this chap too now :D and just the thought makes me a happy camper!_

**Warnings, Disclamier and stuff** in first chap  
The song is Groove Armada's - See you baby (If I remember well I heard it in What Women Want, a hilarious movie)

**------ Daniel and showbizzz ------  
**It was only 2100 and Daniel was out on the roof already. His newest way of having 'fun' was to jump on the coffee table – which Jack regretted cleaning up the second Daniel exclaimed that he needed a 'podium' – and he began dancing. At least he called his silly moves dancing he rather looked like someone who got shot with a zat as Teal'c so precisely described his performance to Sam and Jack who proceeded to have the promised poker party in the dinning room trying not to get distracted by the not so soft music and Daniel's screaming the lyrics off key coming from the living room.

"Seriously, I'm gonna ask Hammond to have Sparky hook up some camera around my place before team nights" Jack shouted through the music to Sam who was setting up the table putting bowls of peanuts, crisps and of course a few bottles of ice cold beer out to arms reach.

"I'm not quite sure it would be wise, sir." Sam - the always rational -warned his CO to the little fact that it was not just Daniel who got a bit over the fence when it came to team nights. He was just faster then them. Way faster.

"Oy, ya maybe have a point there." When Teal'c reappeared in the room after his much needed visit to the restroom Jack turned to him and said, "Oh, T, pleeeease turn down the volume on that damn hi-fi, my head hurts."

"As you wish, O'Neill. But I must warn you that maybe it is better for all of us if the song coming from your music device is louder than that of DanielJackson's attempt on singing."

"Just give it a try." Jack decided but he seriously took Teal'c words into consideration.

And, dang, the big man was so right. When Teal'c reached the hi-fi's control and turned the volume a bit down Daniel's singing took the lead and it was awful like a kindergarten choir whose production is only beautiful for the parents.

Teal'c came back looking at Jack for further instructions. Honestly, the colonel did not know which way was better Daniel or the music on full blast.

"Put down yo ass T" he reluctantly said and prayed to Thor and all those little 'gods' that Daniel will soon get bored of singing.

"O'Neill, I am afraid I am unable to go with your orders because I cannot part my rear from my body" he announced this fact so naturally that Jack had to blink a few times before he got the joke and burst out laughing with Sam.

Alcohol helped the laughing fit last a bit longer than usual. So while the two officers were laughing their heads off Teal'c took his seat and started to shuffle the cards.

Then suddenly Daniel jumped up on the half wall between the living and dining room like a monkey in the zoo and he continued his dance on the small empty space between a few framed pictures. The laughing abruptly stopped and both Sam and Jack looked a bit affraid. Well, Daniel never was that silent and quick warrior type so his actions took them by surprise. Then all three raised their eyebrows when Daniel sang the lyrics all the while doing what it said:

_I see you, baby, shakin' that ass  
Shakin' that ass  
Shakin' that ass_

"Damn, Daniel shaking his ass in my house was sooo not the picture I wanted to take with me to St Peter" Jack mumbled then the laughing started again.

After this little show Daniel attempted to break into the showbiz by changing the mic to the dance floor when an Irish traditional song started to play and he mimicked Michael Flatley. Again, he was the only one who really believed in his success. In the end he realized that his team was not a slightest bit excited about being his first fans so he went to the kitchen to find a new profession.

Five minutes later he came back with a plastic bag in one hand and a swish knife, ducktapes and a few other stuff in his other. He dumped everything on the dining table successfully interrupting the first round of the big poker party.

"Daniel!" Sam tried to get the other scientist's attention but he was engrossed in finding the end of the tape. "What are you doing, Daniel?"

"Shhh, MacGyver needs silence to work!" Daniel silenced her not stopping for a single second. Then his hands found the plastic bag and he read the warnings written on it like it was a piece of the Ancient's knowledge. "Why kids cannot play with this? I mean it is harmless, ain't it?" Before anyone could react anything the bag was on his head and he started to suffocate when it somehow tangled his head and neck. His three teammates immediately tried to free him but his hysterical screaming and jumping up and around did not help them too much.

After he survived yet another close call 3D (Definitely Drunken Daniel) was sitting on his previous chair like nothing has happened.

"Daniel, please don't try to kill yourself again, okay? I doubt Oma would find these ways of death worth ascending" Jack yelled after the archeologist when he decided that the poker game was so boring since Sam always won so he went out to the backyard to sniff some clean air. Teal'c stood up instantly and went after him to keep an eye on the easily dying doctor.

Sam and Jack – mainly Jack – had enough of poker for a while so they sat in the living room watching TV, catching up on last week's happenings in the world because the fact that you are all up to date in what's up in the galaxy was not an excuse when you wanted to chat with the postman or the few friends you had outside work.

**TBC...**there is more from where this came from coz I'm bored during work LOL (don't tell my boss LOL)

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**AN: **Sometimes it happens with me that I translate the Hungarian expression straight into English but the two languages use different ways to express the same thing and this concludes of something not so clear for you. If you find something like this feel free to throw a review or e-mail towards me ;) 


	3. What shall we do with the Drunken

_Thanks for the reviews Campers! My ego gets shinier and shinier.  
__Gonna show these stuff to my English teacher, maybe she gonna give me an A finally..._

**AN:** The Hungarian water polo team indeed won on the Olympics in Sydney 2000 against Russia in the final (13-6) and a few games before it beat the US also (10-9).  
Probably the only sport we, Hungarians, can be proud of ...LOL...aside from maybe sometimes swimming, handball (women's) and of course women's water polo and chess (I always wondered how they could call that sport but I work next door to their office in the National Sport's House so I assume it is officially a sport :P)

**Warnings, Disclamier and stuff** in first chap

**------ What shall we do with the Drunken Archeologist? ------  
**And now sports after beating the United State's national team the Hungarian water polo team went on and in the end won the gold medal with an assertive score of 13-6 against Russia. The Yugoslavian team went home with the bronze medal ..." Sam and Jack's attention was abruptly drawn from the TV to the sliding door to the backyard when Teal'c came in with a hint of mischief written on his face.

"I believe your assistance is needed outside O'Neill. The rain started to fall and DanielJackson is unwilling to retreat inside." Jack stood up quickly afraid of what he might get from one Doc Fraiser if Daniel yet again lands in her infirmary after another team night.

Teal'c just stood on the terrace enjoying the sight of one slightly tipsy colonel chasing one awfully washed but extremely hyper archeologist in the slick mud created by the cats and dogs that were raining outside. Being injured meant that finally it was not him who had to do all the carrying job a team night came with and damn he liked it so much.

After a good five minutes Jack gave up and moved to stand next to Teal'c observing Daniel Jackson when he caught him singing. Daniel was singing 'Singing in the Rain'...the night was getting better and better.

"Hey, Carter, you might wanna come out!" Jack yelled inside and Sam came in awe as to why it would be good for her to go outside and stand in the pouring rain. Then she noticed her best friend dancing and singing. "Teal'c didn't get to watch Star Wars, Daniel had to skip Tutenstein and I couldn't watch all the Simpsons but at least you get your Singing in the Rain."

When the newest performance ended so did the rain so the team decided to stay outside and in the relative peace and silence.

That was until Daniel jumped from the step he was sitting on and screamed: "I can't see! I can't see! What the heck was in the beer?" For a split second everyone's blood froze in their veins scared that maybe Daniel drank something he was not supposed to but then Jack noticed something on the table next to him.

"Damn, Danny, you took on your glasses and start yelling for the whole NATO to save your ass just after that, okay?" After putting on his glasses the world got into a bit better focus for him and he exclaimed like a child. "Hey I see stars!"

"Daniel, we are outside we all see them" Sam who always was the silent drunk type decided to speak up before my dear readers would think she was just there and that was all.

"No, no, no, no I saw Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhof inside Jack's house." With that he stormed into the living room and was swaying in front of the TV his eyes fixed on the blaring box.

Seeing his friends' confused expression Jack explained, "Baywatch. Re-run is now on."

"Wonder why you know that, sir" Sam giggled then ran back to the dining room Jack a few steps behind her and a still confused Teal'c who stopped in the living room and stood next to Daniel to watch Baywatch. A very amusing show, indeed, as he noted.

The night was still young so Sam and Jack started to look for a new way of having fun. They were going trough their lists of what they did to have fun back when they were young when a loud thump could be heard coming from the living room. Teal'c was now standing in the doorway of the dining room but instantly turned to check out what has happened then went back with the news.

"What was that?" Jack asked.

"I believe Daniel Jackson made a close connection with your living room floor O'Neill."

"Oy, what shall we do with the drunken archeologist now?" He rolled his eyes knowing it would be up to him to carry Mr. Six-Pack Jackson to the guest room.

That was one down in the Survivor island aka Jack O'Neill's house.

**TBC...**this was not that long I know :P but with this Danny is out...who will be the next? You shall see...I shall see coz I couldn't even decide myself but since it will take some time here is a **lil teaser for ya:**

"Teal'c play nasty." Jack tried to defend himself.

"Indeed, I am. The aim of the game is to win, O'Neill. It is not my fault that you are too weak to challenge me."

"Yeah, we inferior tau'ri"

"Indeed." The big jaffa bowed his head in approval with total seriousness.

**AN: **When I was little the first seeds of the 'West' were the TV series coming inwithout restrictions so we took the opportunity and watched all of them (MASH, Kojak, Knight Rider, Baywatch and of course MacGyver LOL) but I only saw like 2 Baywatch eps then got fed up and decided to go to the park instead with my friends...  
**AN2:** Couldn't miss the Survivor hint :P


	4. The Amazing Flying Pillows

**Thank ya all for the reviews I'm really smashed that it's not just me who enjoys the story :D!**

**Disclaimer** in first chap...**Warnings** **aside from those in first chap**: beware Twister is indeed a dangerous game! A friend of mine managed to brake his arm during playing Twister...but maybe the source of the problem was that 5 ppl played at one time LOL.

**Spoilers:** mentioning of the infamous 'that made you took off your...' line

**------ The Amazing Flying Pillows ------  
**Daniel was tucked in with a bowl in leaning range if needed and a glass of water with a box of Aspirin for later.

Jack was craving for some fun and the contently snoring archeologist looked like the perfect victim for his evil plans.

"How 'bout puttin' his hand into some water?" He asked Sam and Teal'c who looked less than trilled by his ideas. "Ooookay, than some shaving foam on his hand? Ooh boy, oh boy" he bounced up and down giving emphasis to his enthusiasm, "I know a betta one shaving his leg!" When he saw the impassive looks of his comrades he carried on hoping to convince them that it would be indeed fun. "Ya right, we wear BDUs so his leg is not a good idea...uuh, I got it! His eyebrows! We gonna shave down his eyebrows." After he introduced his crazy idea he started to giggle at his own stupid plan which was a bit weird but Jack O'Neill was weird in his basic mode and now he was tipsy which meant wackier than normally.

"Colonel, stop being a kid, will ya?" Sam tried to stop Jack's Siberian express (train :P) of thought which seemed to go on an endless track.

"I believe O'Neill is incapable of what you wish Major Carter."

"I'm not childish!" Jack protested but the looks the two other adult gave him said the exact opposite of what he wanted them to think. "Hey! Me. CO. Leader. The one ya should all respect. Got it?" Sam and Teal'c just looked at each other, shared a private smile and then left a baffled Jack behind who was still grumbling about insubordination.

Jack found Sam and Teal'c in the living room watching Star Trek DS9.

"Oh, Christ how many times have I told ya not to watch this!" He whined from the doorway instantly turning his back on the TV. Sam giggled evilly and gave a high-five to Teal'c.

"Really, sir. It's ridiculous and you know that too" Sam managed to say between her hysterical giggling fit because Jack was glued to the spot not willing to turn a notch till they switched the channel.

"They look scary, okay? It's disgusting, Carter! Turn it off!" Jack tried to order his major but she and Teal'c had other ideas about it.

"But siiiir, the doc looks so cute" Sam squeaked like a teen girl.

"And I believe the character of Jadzia Dax is a hot chick too" Teal'c added and this was enough for Sam to change from giggling to laughing so hard that breathing got a bit difficult and tears came to her eyes.

"Hot chick?" In a split second Jack jumped on the sofa next to Sam and tried to shut his eyes when the soooo scary klingon appeared on the screen. The man was capable of facing the whole galaxy full of strange looking aliens but he was afraid of some imaginary race with smashed foreheads. Did I mention Jack being weird?

When the episode ended Jack clasped his hands together upon standing up and asked, "So, Kids, what's on today?"

"Twister?" Sam offered and her face broke into a huge grin at Jack's horrified expression.

"Nooo. No way we will play that stupid game again!"

"You are just saying this because Teal'c beat you in the final, sir."

"Yeah well he did. Literally. Carter, my wrist bone cracked, you remember?"

"Well it happens when a big guy like Teal'c falls on you. It's simple physics, " when Jack rolled his eyes and turned to go after Teal'c running away from techno babble which Sam tend to do even more when being tipsy. "But you are right sir, Janet would have a laughing fit if we would go in again with your cracked wrist bone and Daniel's cracked ribs." This eventually stopped Jack. "Aaaand without a picture of it."

"Teal'c plays nasty" Jack tried to defend himself.

Meanwhile the Jaffa came back with a fizzy in one hand and cheesy puffs in the other, "Indeed, I am. The aim of the game is to win, O'Neill. It is not my fault that you are too weak to challenge me."

"Yeah, we inferior Tau'ri."

"Indeed." The big jaffa bowed his head in approval with total seriousness then went to sit down prepared for a long debate of what they would do. He just couldn't figure the silly humans who insisted on spontaneity without the ability of being spontaneous.

"Hey, T, you don't have to agree with me on this."

"But I do, O'Neill."

"Okay, enough of jaffa humor. Back to the 'what now' part."

"I told you O'Neill that we should have watched Star Wars."

"Again."

"Indeed."

"Okay, Carter, useful ideas you pull out from your...hat?"

Sam looked as if she was about to solve the cosmic question of the universe then said, "nope, nothing, yada."

"I should be happy that finally your brain is empty. But ya know that doesn't help us that much. So Winnie-the-Poohs, think!"

"How 'bout Monopoly?" Sam spoke up and the answer was two loud groans from the men sitting on both sides' of her.

"No way! You gonna win again. Dontcha humiliated us enough in that game?"

"Well, sir, any other idea?" Sam challenged him and he really seemed to fall into a deep thinking process even standing up and pacing a bit than sitting down in an armchair opposite of the sofa.

"Strip poker?" Evil. Plain evil. The whole 'pretending to be thinking just to be able to sit as far as he could not to get physically abused by one pretty angry major' plan now had been revealed to Sam. She threw a pillow at him but he was still fast enough to raise his hand and catch the flying object before it could have had a deep impact on his face. Sam was not born yesterday and knew that he would be able to avoid the first wave of attack but not the second one and she was right the second pillow hit him square in the face. "Bulls eye!"

"Okay. Okay. Got the message. No strip poker." He rubbed his not even hurting nose dramatically, acting the hurt little lost human but his next sentence give him away and ruined his pretty carefully built image, "Then truth or dare?" Evil to the bones. He was playing with her patience like a violin.

Teal'c as an observer was enjoying the whole scene of course thanking for the jaffa facial expressions he learned as a little kid that they could not see him internally grinning. He had to admit the last time they played that stupid Tau'ri game it was fun until Major Carter decided to go with dare and Daniel asked her to take off a piece of her undergarments without taking anything else off. It took all Jack's willpower to put an end to the game there and then even though he was damn interested and tipsy but Sam was thoroughly drunk and it didn't seem right.

While Jack was reminiscing about the same thing Teal'c did his dreamily expression quickly was wiped off by yet another pillow. "Right, Major, that calls for war!" And a nasty pillow fight started not minding the borders of neutral countries (Teal'c coz he was even big enough to be considered as a country). So all hell broke out with the First Pillow War.

**TBC**

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**AN:** Usta be a DS9 fan as you might figured. Doc Bashir (Alexander Siddig el Faddih) is a great actor and he proved it in Syriana...in my opinion :P 


	5. C4

**AN:** Yayks, managed to misspell my fav's name :P he is of course **Alexander Siddig el Fadil**

**Thank you all for the reviews!**

**Disclaimer and Warning** in first chap

**------ C4 (Cruel Capitalist Cute Carter) ------**

Since Sam was a bit tipsier than her CO her movements were more fluid and this way more efficient than that of the two other men's. Plus the 'neutral country' aka Teal'c made a silent agreement with Sam - kind of a pact against the evil O'Neill Land – that they did not attack each other. The fact was, simply, that the big jaffa enjoyed throwing pillows at Jack more than at Sam.

The colonel was pinned down behind an armchair in front of the fireplace and his situation did not seem to improve. Besides, Sam's and Teal'c's joined forces started to close down his position. Sam had a huge pillow (rather a cushion) – named 'V2' by Jack – in both hands which she took from the couch while Teal'c provided covering fire with SAM missiles – smaller, softer pillows.

"Forget what I said a few minutes ago and have mercy on me!" Jack begged from behind the chair trying to reduce the size of target by getting closer and closer to the ground and the chair too in the same time but with not so much success due to his height and weight which was sometimes an advantage and sometimes a disadvantage in battle and in this case it was clearly the latter.

"If I remember well, sir, you said: 'I'll never give up! O'Neills never give up, we fight till the last breath" Sam quoted his pledge which he naively voiced when they started this whole war and of course before he realized that both Sam and Teal'c the traitor were against him.

"I was joking. I give up. Besides I can hardly breath since that hit to my lungs I got from Teal'c. Buddy, you indeed play nasty!" He closed his eyes and started to rise from behind his cover waiting for the final wave hitting him before his surrender would be accepted but it did not come. He was now standing his hands above his head and slowly he opened his eyes just to see Sam and Teal'c having a discussion probably about his faith then when he relieved that it was all over two pillows (one pillow and one cushion) hit him square in the face and stomach. "This was so not fair!" He grumbled while rubbing his nose which really started to hurt now since it was at least the tenth hit it got during the long lasting war.

"But it was so much fun" Sam stated happily then started to laugh with Jack joining in after a couple of seconds and even Teal'c had a kinda grin on his face. He had to admit this Tau'ri game was indeed enjoyable.

In spite of Jack's vehement protests Sam made Teal'c agree on a game of Monopoly. The colonel knew that the two had a silent alliance against him so it was obvious he did not stand a snowball chance on the Sun but nevertheless he played along.

As it was predictable Sam Carter the Cruel Capitalist (now just C3) started to methodically wipe his ass off.

"Just to make it clear: we play this damn game because ya won the pillow fight, right?"

"Yup" Sam answered while counting her money, which was around the whole income of the Republic of Hungary, making the biggest mistake in dealing with Jack O'Neill history when she did not look up.

"Meaning if I win this game we play what **I** want to play?" He carried on with yet another evil plans of his and was really thankful that Sam did not took a glance at him because he was grinning so widely that it would be visible for even an Asgard ship on orbit.

Sam broke into a giggling fit upon the thought of Jack O'Neill winning a Monopoly game against her the Cruel Capitalist. "Yup"

"Just chekin'." Teal'c raised one eyebrow suspecting something behind Jack's sudden interest but Sam just took it as a joke, which she truly regretted after Jack slowly but efficiently started to buy his own hotels and somehow she always ended up on them. Half an hour later she ran out of money and had to sell her own hotels' which miraculously Jack always managed to avoid.

Sam was whining, pouting than reduced to grumbling and shaking her head and it was damn cute becoming C4. She was thoroughly confused at just how the heck Jack could beat her in her game but it was a fact 'he beat her in Monopoly, for crying out loud, that man had hidden talents'.

Jack on the other hand was dancing around the table then grabbed Teal'c and tried to get the big man to dance but he has just raised an eyebrow. He had bankruptcy ten minutes ago upon stepping on one of Jack's hotels' so he went to check on Daniel then to the kitchen to grab something edible.

"C'mon, Carter, be happy!" Jack walked to Sam and pulled her up to her feet. She was still thinking hard trying to figure out how impossible could happen. "Gosh, Carter the Grand Canyon started to form between your eyebrows. I know you are trying to figure me out but beware that Jack O'Neill is the greatest anomaly of the universe."

"Strip poker or Truth or dare?" Sam asked reluctantly knowing that her faith was full humiliation now.

"Nawh, I don't wanna see Teal'c's 'I am an alien go figure' boxers nor want anyone to see my new Simpsons ones so I guess poker is out. Truth or dare is not fun without Spacemonkey aka the perfect victim so I have another idea."

Both Sam and Teal'c were looking like someone has just announced the true Armageddon and Jack's mischievous expression did not help on it, not a lil bit.

Hide and Seek. Can you imagine a man almost fifty suggesting a game of hide and seek to other adults? Well no. But the man almost fifty was Jack O'Neill so hearing this from him was not **that** weird.

Teal'c insisted on learning this new game by starting as the seeker while Sam and Jack rushed to find good hiding places. After counting to 60 as instructed the jaffa warrior started his search.

"Teal'c? What the hell are you doing here?" One frustrated Jack O'Neill asked his jaffa friend who was seemingly comfortably settled into the couch staring at the TV fizzy in one hand remote control in the other and a bowl of vanilla icecream in his lap.

"Watching Star Wars" he filled his puzzled friend in, his eyes never leaving master Yoda.

"That I see. You forgot about our game?" Jack questioned him trying to find a rational reason to why Teal'c abandoned the game when he was the seeker and let him and Sam hide for 30 minutes.

"MajorCarter was on your rooftop while you were hiding in the garage behind an inflatable object, O'Neill. This means I found you and won" Teal'c stated matter of factly leaving Sam and Jack wide-eyed.

Sam was the first who woke up from the shock, "Teal'c, the concept of hide and seek is to **find **us and **tell** us you found us."

"You did not informed me about that." Dang, it was true. They told him that he had to count to 60 then find them but did not tell him to alert upon finding. "On Chulak kids playing keha'tak that is similar to your hide and seek, shoot each other with zats when they find the other. This way they learn to hide and endure the zat shots better."

"That sounds..."

"Nasty indeed" Teal'c bowed his head having enough of the conversation so he went back to watch his movie and consume the sweet vanilla.

"Hey, that's my ice cream!" Jack exclaimed but his voice suddenly gone when Teal'c shot him a death glare.

"It does not have your name written on it, O'Neill."

Teal'c looked satisfied with his recent state eating icecream and watching his favorite movie. Jack looked both horrified and a bit offended. And, Sam, well, Sam just couldn't help laughing out loud.

**TBC

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**AN:** :P completely forgot to tell ya **this is a WIP** I'm writing in my free time and that's why it takes days for one chap to come out.


	6. Stargate Files

**Thanks for all the sweet reviews! Hungarian Hugz to all of Ya!**

**AN: **Oy, this took a lil too long but work robbed me off all my time :P if not that then soccer and cycling...I dunno when the epilogue will come out :P but I'm on it ;)...wanted to post it 4 days before but couldn't reach an agreement with the document upload :P.

**Warnings, Disclamier and stuff **in first chap

**------ Stargate Files – The truth is in the fridge ------  
**"Gosh, I gotta drink more to endure this horrible stuff." Jack stood up and rushed to the kitchen before Teal'c's brain would catch up with his statement and decide to get revenge with a form of physical abuse.

The colonel was sitting on the kitchen counter his legs not touching the ground so he could sway them like a little kid while he drank his umpteen glass of beer. When it started to become the umpteen empty glass of beer Sam stepped into the kitchen and retrieved one for herself then with a slight insecurity in her steps she walked next to Jack leaning on the counter a secret plan of finding a solid ground not spinning like this one did was forming in her foggy mind.

"How's T?" Jack asked cheekily.

After Sam's brain caught up with her ears she managed to answer, "Kel'no'reeming."

Jack almost laughed out loud but found it difficult to do while trying to take a long swing of his beer so he set it down and spoke afterwards. Too much alcohol could mess up even his thinking process even tho a few might say he never really had one. "Yeah, I told him Star Wars is a boring movie. Especially when you watch it the 20th time."

They fell into silence both trying to stop the world spinning like a merry-go-round on warp speed. Suddenly a white flashing light and something falling from a tree to the ground with a quite big 'thud' got their attentions.

"What was that? Ghosts?" Jack O'Neill screaming ghosts was the sure sign of him drinking way too much. Sam on the other hand could stay relatively calm and realist.

"Maybe it was Teal'c, sir."

"You said yourself that he..." Jack looked for the perfect expression emphasizing his deep thinking process with the infamous energetic Jack O'Neill hand movements and finally settled for, "kel'no'reemed in in front of the TV."

"Daniel?" Sam tried not giving in the insane idea of explanation by Jack.

"Nawh, he is too lazy to sleepwalk. Besides it came from outside." He hopped off the counter and narrowed his eyes to be able to focus on the window looking out at his backyard.

"Kids?"

"For cryin out loud, Carter, it's 3 am."

"Big kids?"

Jack had enough of her suggestions and decided to act instead of sit around and wait for the 'ghost' to haunt them. He got a torch similar to the ones FBI agents use and got one of his golf bats from the corner.

"You comin, Carter? I'll go outside and play some ghostbustin."

Sam was still leaning against the counter deep in thought. "There is a rational explanation to all those kinds of occurrences people consider ghosts, sir." She clutched the last strand of sanity in the situation but when stubborn Jack made up his mind there is no science that could stop him.

"Don't go all Scully on me Carter! I know what I heard..." he trailed off abruptly his eyes fixed on the treeline in his backyard, "and what I see now. It's...it's..." he took a step closer to the window, "an Asgard with glowing eyes?" He took a glance at Sam's doubtful expression and saw her roll her eyes. "No, Carter, I'm not kiddin. Look!" But just when Sam could force herself to stand next to him the small alien disappeared into the woods.

"Ha, ha, sir, verrrry funny." She slumped down on a chair nearby thankful for the slight stop in the spinning just to be tugged by one arm by a restless Jack.

"No way Carter. I'm gonna prove it to you."

"Sir, this is not the X-Files. I'm not Scully you are not Mulder. We've both seen aliens and will a lot of times in our lives so it is the minimum that we both believe in them."

Jack was still bouncy and seemed adamant. "We both believe in aliens, true. But you don't believe in what I've just seen. I wanna prove it to you, Carter. It was the truth."

"Fine" Sam gave in knowing Mr Pighead would never stop not until she said yes.

Teal'c heard them coming from the kitchen and quickly repositioned himself on the sofa pretending kel'no'reem and watched as his two silly Tau'ri friends made their way outside to the backyard with a flashlight and a golf bat.

"I swear to you, Carter. These little gray fellas have a whole conspiracy against me. I'll check with the AF insurance dep whether my insurance covers 'on-world alien abduction'."

"The only alien conspiracy I know about, sir, is the one the Thai and Chinese leftover have in your fridge. They are really about to make a movement. Literally too." She giggled until he made a sharp turn and the flashlight almost burned her eyes out.

"Ouch, that's not funny, sir!" She exclaimed rubbing her eyes trying to make the huge spot go away. When she was able to more or less focus again he was nowhere in sight. Against all rationale she started to freak out. "Sir! I'm not in the mood of playing Blair Witch right now!" she yelled and looked around in the little forest now in total blackness. Maybe it was not a good idea to watch so many horror films lately. A squirrel, or at least she prayed that it was a squirrel, jumped from one tree to the other then footsteps could be heard coming from exactly behind her. She found it impossible to turn around what was really ridiculous she told herself after all she was a major in the air force fighting aliens on other planets and she got scared in a little forest in Colorado Springs.

Her heart was in her throat when the footsteps suddenly stopped right behind her and she could feel soft breaths on her neck. She turned around to be welcomed by Jack with his face lit by the flashlight. He certainly learned the lesson not to do this again when Sam jumped, screamed and hit him making him land on his ass in the only muddy puddle left after the rain in the whole area if not in the whole Springs.

She couldn't help but giggle uncontrollably all the way back to the house while Jack grumbled about his favorite boxer being all muddy because of her.

"Seriously, Carter, you gonna wash this. And my pants" he patted his back and felt a thick layer of mud slowly sliding down from his shirt down to the back of his hand. "Yayks, my T too."

"Of course, sir." She stopped giggling just enough to climb up the few stairs to the terrace without dying in anoxia. Jack turned to grab one of her hands in order to help her up and in the house when he saw something again. It was an Asgard with a hat similar to the ones the policemen in the States wears on his head and a stick in its tiny hand chasing another Asgard who's eyes glowed once or twice before they both disappeared in a flash of light. He contemplated mentioning it to Sam but glancing down he saw her eyes were shut close and she has fallen asleep in his arms. Sweet, now he can carry her to the bed also. At least she was lighter than Daniel who sported a six - rather a twelve – pack lately.

**TBC...**Epilogue coming up next with **the real truth about Asgards running up and down in Jack's backyard and Teal'c mysteriously disappearing ever hour to the kitchen or to anywhere just out of sight of everyone **as you probably noticed ;)

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**AN:** Hope ya liked it...the next upload will come sooner :D...It's just me being a bit difficult like the Matrix movies :D 


	7. Big Blue

**Disclaimer: **Of course, GMM is MGM and Nyson is Sony :)) the owners of our favorite show (unfortunately :P)...meaning I don't own the show .. you would have noticed if I did coz then it would be long over with season 7 and maybe a few movies in sight  
I do not own BB (as in Big Brother) nor any other reality shows or any shows, songs or anything I have ever let slip from my hand through the keyboard to the screen ;).

**AN:** Here it is, the Real Conspiracy...It's insane, impossible and so idiotic :D in short so like something coming from me :)))...The basic idea I mentioned in the first chap is now revealed and is from, of course, the best cartoon ever: South Park (the second best ever is Simpsons ;) )  
Now a heck of **a lot of talking** coming up without much happening but it worth reading ;)...**It's funny aaaaand I hope it makes you all think!  
**  
**Season**: Finally figured thatthe whole **story plays around the end of season 7 **it's kinda **full of spoilers** for the next seasons (8-9) (**not major ones** coz I don't watch those seasons that much :( ) so beware!

**------ Big Blue Planet (The Real Conspiracy) ------  
**"So they are all asleep now."

"Indeed." Teal'c bowed his head towards the camera and the reporter standing next to it with an unusually big smile for an Asgard playing on his lips...ahm, well that thing we humans would call lips. Anyway, end of the cosmic biology lesson back to the story.

"Our friends in the galaxies close and far away from Earth you have seen the 36,500,000,000th episode of Big Blue Planet please join us in our discussion about recent security breaches by hardcore BB fans and also President of this galaxy our beloved Argatur wishes to speak to you about the new norms of greeting the stars of BB if they visit your planet." The small Asgard flashed another tiny smile into the camera then it was gone with a flash of light. "I spoke with the Fan Police" the skinny gray alien started the conversation with Teal'c sitting down on Jack's comfy sofa flipping off the cap of a beer the Jaffa brought in.

"It was not the first occasion when humans could see their fans." Teal'c stated shaking his head in disapproval.

"Yeah, tell me about it. At least the police could more or less cut down on the number of 'kidnappers' who stole their favorite human character to thoroughly examine them." A controlled but still loud burp left the reporter's mouth then he carried on, "I know that the concept was a blast millions of years ago. We gotta admit it was fun to put thousands of different species on one planet and watch them evolve and interact but lately it is starting to be a bit more difficult. The logistic department had to appoint another hundred Bureauc'Rats in order to keep up with the SGC's explorations and the technical developments Earth is going under due to the tech gadgets accidentally left on planets visited by SG teams. And on top of everything the Jaffas started to ask for bigger payment because of the major role they play in this show. But let me tell you a secret," Teal'c leaned closer to the alien who had similar capabilities as Daniel when it came to drinking. "They say that the Big Heads found a cheaper race ... some Ore Eyes or Oy Byes or who...anyway they could play the role of evil for the next few seasons so I think the 'Jaffa Freedom' is close."

"This means my role will change too" Teal'c concluded with a hint of sadness in his usually passive voice.

"Oy, I know, buddy, they are so adorable – guess that's why the action figures' selligns' are higher than before with other humans. Anyway, I know it'd be hard to just leave them behind. But I think the creative department will come up with a solution letting you spend as many time here as you would wish so."

"Well, saying that it'd be hard to leave them behind would be an understatement, my friend. They are my life. I mean, since I was a little kid I watched Big Blue and always dreamt to be part of it. I've spent half of my life attending that damn Drama School in order to get in and finally I have a major role. And yes, I'll admit I love SG-1. They are dear friends."

Another bright flash of light signed that another alien arrived to join the discussion.

"Welcome, Chairman Thor!" The other Asgard greeted the freshly beamed one with a cheeky tone and raised the beer bottle to Thor's honor who bowed his tiny head then turned to Teal'c.

"I've got the fresh news for you Teal'c." He sat down in one of the armchairs with a coke in his hand then carried on, "I've spoken with the head of marketing, creative and logistics departments and they had some good news. First of all, our marketing manager reported significant changes in selling lately. It seems that SG-1 is getting popular in another 5 galaxies. Our costumers seem to like inferior races solving difficult situations and started to idealize them. Also our ratings went up a great deal although as I have heard the Joint Chiefs of the country designated USA tries to change a few things including the position of O'Neill's which we think would be a very bad idea but we cannot interfere until they make a huge mistake like positioning him to another base. The Big Heads decided on a non-stop monitoring and guarding of SG-1 in fear that another kidnapping attempt like that of Loki's would ever occur again. The second subject I wanted to mention was that the creative department could sign a new 1 year contract with the jaffas but they will play a bit reduced role this year then in the end of the season they will break free and then comes the Oris who will luckily bring in some new cool effects into the show but, honestly, I'm afraid that effects won't keep the real SG-1 fans in front of the visionmonitors if the team falls apart we might get ready for some significant lessening in the number of our viewers."

The other Asgard found his disappearing voice and suddenly his eyes opened wide open when he could digest the information Thor has given them. "You mean it is possible that SG-1 will fall apart and we cannot do anything about it?"

"Unfortunately yes. The new rules do not let interference just to raise the number of viewers since that little incident around 1940 Earth year." Thor winced at the memory of WWII when one renegade Asgard from the creative department decided to create some action down on the Big Blue Planet in order to get more viewers."

"But it's not just about the stats! They belong together for cryin out loud!" The inebriated Asgard argued.

"I know, but you must learn that humans do stupid things in the name of various stupid values they held in honor. They still did not realize that what is most important is friendship, family and love."

"It is indeed sad that they let rules, military and other people stand in the way of their relationships" Teal'c joined after getting another bowl of cheesy puffs from the kitchen and handing a bowl to each Asgards.

"Anyway, the third news is from the logistics department. They said that they are ahead of schedule so we do not have to worry that any SG teams would end up on a planet which was not previously prepared, regulated, secured and of course given a god – by the way we managed to recruit a few new Goa'ulds in spite of the fact they said they didn't like the fact that they had to die every time they encountered SG-1. That Ba'al guy is back also and since he was the cheapest I guess he will play a major role this year with that half 'ascended' guy...what's his name...Anubis."

"So this year is gonna be the year of major changes" Teal'c concluded again not sure to like this fact or not.

"Yeah. Huuuge changes" The small drunk Asgard exclaimed notso cheerfully.

"Oy, I remember the old times when our biggest problem was who wanted to play which nation's god on Earth. It was most entertaining and now it's a big business that slowly loosing its values it has represented for so long." Thor sighed reminiscing about the times when he was the god of thunder for the Norse and his biggest problem was whether to do a wonder or not. Now it was all different. They had to appoint hundreds of creative writers from all around the universe to create the history of Earth's and aliens' connections and feed it with the ones working in the SGC and all involved carefully not to give away any sign of the truth. He had to attend meetings with heads of various departments and just lately he woke up to the fact that the whole thing what started off as just a little show to entertain every race turned into a mass of business.

"Indeed, this state is sad. But as times change interests change too and seeing that this was the most successful reality show of all the times it was just a question of time when a big company like Nyso would buy it and form it to get more money from it not caring about the quality anymore."

The reporter Asgard hiccupped then interjected his not so favorite but true saying, "Well, money makes the universe go around." The other two just bowed their heads in agreement sad about the fact that not just the saying was too true but that they couldn't do a thing about it. They knew what the future held if SG-1 would fall apart but they knew that the new owners would give a damn until they can get profit from the show.

"Well, Anubis will attack next month. Bra'tac will soon come and alert Earth. My guess is that they will try that 'Ancient repository' we have accidentally left behind and Jack will do the download. This way I hope he will realize that his life is about action and not a behind the desk job." Thor tried to grasp the last piece of hope but deep down he knew Jack, his buddy, more and knew that he would do anything for his country in the name of duty even if it was a damn desk job.

"Let's hope it!" The reporter raised his now almost empty glass of bear Teal'c and Thor mimicking his movements with their fizzies. "To SG-1!"

An hour later the sun began to set and Thor gave out the order to switch on the cameras in 10 minutes.

"Goodbye, Teal'c!" Thor bid his farewell dragging the other Asgard with him into the backyard from where they could beam up faster. Seriously, beaming through walls was still a bit too much for him.

"So long, and thanks for all the beer, T!" The other Asgard waved his itsy hand excitedly then let himself pulled outside.

It was 6 am when Jack woke up with a headache the size of the whole galaxy plus. He went to the kitchen where Teal'c, as always, was waiting for him with a mug of coffee. Five minutes later Sam appeared in the kitchen strolling toward the coffee like it was a black hole.

Meanwhile Jack went to the bathroom to freshen himself up a little bit. He was standing in front of the sink splashing some cold water on his face then stood to look himself in the mirror just to see a shadow standing in the shower. Carefully he reached for the sliding door of the shower. What he saw there made him blink several times. An Asgard was standing there with its eyes glowing a few times before it disappeared in a bright flash of light just when Sam stepped into the bathroom for her splash of cold water.

"Carter, I swear there was an Asgard hiding in my shower!" he said firmly not letting doubt split behind his lines. He wanted to sound clear and honest because he was damn clear and honest but it seemed Sam still did not want to believe in him after last night's happenings.

"Sir, please stop it already or I gotta call Colonel MacKenzie."

**Meanwhile on GMM-007**

_"Our friends in galaxy stay tuned Big Blue Planet is Coming up next! SG-1 had a team night yesterday! For pictures on the night and the day after stay with us! We promise you a Drunken Daniel Jackson, Two Tipsy Air Force Officers and our favorite Teal'c and his best performance ever! Also we will show you original footages of the fans who again broke the rules and went down to Earth and also a paparazzi who got caught in Jack O'Neills shower!_

"Jan! Another fan broke into Colonel O'Neill's place! Come down, you gotta see this!" Charlie Kowalsky yelled from his sofa in front of the huge plasma TV he ordered from the Asgard Teleshop a week ago after getting fed up of the standard universe visionmonitor. Doc Fraiser was down in the living room in record speed catching the first pictures of the new episode of BB the only way she could still know about her friends who all believed her to be dead just like the other's sitting around her: Henry Boyd and his late SG10 and a few other SGC personnel. In short their little fan group.

On the black screen a new notification appeared and they all read it in awe knowing it was written because of them to let the other fans know that they don't exactly die.

**_The humans, aliens and any other characters who passed away during the show are all taken care by Oma Desalla Inc. providing them a new place to live similar to that of they lived before._**

The phone next to Janet rang and she cheerfully noted that it was their little friend Thor who was asking whether they liked the new note which they all agreed they did.

"Hey, Thor, I spoke with Oma by the way" Janet started, " she said she would be more than happy to let Daniel 'ascend' again if he dies just, you know, 'to keep SG-1 together as long as we can'. My guess, is that she is just a hardcore Daniel fan." She giggled finding it so funny that Daniel had so many girls who would give their life to be able to touch their object of admiration just like she had a chance to touch him when she was his doctor but of course the same applied to the Sam, Jack and even Teal'c fans too.

"This is a good idea. I'll call her first thing tomorrow to sign a contract with her company. Thank you for the idea. Goodbye!"

"Bye!"

**Vége.** It's Hungarian. It means Finito. Finito means Die Ende. Koniec. Is ten Einde. Which all, very loosely translated, means...**The End

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**AN:** Well Campers that was all! Hope ya all got the double meanings and liked the story as a whole!  
This was a kind of peaceful protest from me against where the show is heading lately :(

**The South Park Idea was:** aliens put different species on Earth for the sake of creating a reality show. I've just loved it, it was hilarious like all the other South Park eps of course :D.


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